Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
he thought i was a dude.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
