Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
