How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
