I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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