you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
false alarm, still single
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