I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
