You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
