a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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