Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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