I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
