The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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