Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I am midnight drunk by noon
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
