so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
