I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
