i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
