Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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