so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
