I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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