I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
