How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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