I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
