I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
