Moan for me like Helen Keller
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
