You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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