she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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