I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
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