I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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