I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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