i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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