It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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