Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
