I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Randomize
