The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
