I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
