I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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