i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
