My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
