She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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