I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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