just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
