you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
