how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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