On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
