new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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