I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
