I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
