I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
