It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
