the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
