dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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