By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
