my mouth tastes like poor choices
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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