Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
