Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
we're so committed to being not committed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
