Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You ruined the universe
Randomize
