the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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