my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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