I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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