capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
