the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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