Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
