please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
