I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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