I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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