you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You peed on a flamingo?!?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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