I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize